articles

Helping Our Kids To Do Their Best

By Vicki L. Rueckert, Ed.D. July 5, 2020

“No one ever outperforms his/her self image,” 

taken from a recent Harvard study on self-esteem. 



 From the time we are little we are told who we are, our strengths and our weaknesses, if we are loved or not loved, whether we are pretty or not, etc.  We ultimately create labels about ourselves that imprint within our reticular activating system (RAS), programming us to react to life’s stimuli, challenges and successes. Our RAS is a bundle of nerves at our brainstem that filters out unnecessary information, so the important stuff gets through.  The RAS is the reason you learn a new word and then start hearing it everywhere.  It’s why you can tune out a crowd full of talking people, yet immediately hear your name when someone says your name.  Or, when driving home you just some how arrive, with out giving it much thought. That’s your RAS, taking over and keeping you on the path it knows.  The labels you have heard/or have given yourself over the years, are implanted within you in the same way, thus forming the foundations of our belief systems, our self-esteem and impact our responses to life’s challenges and successes.



How were you programmed?  How are your programming your child?  A few years ago our adult son, now a husband and father of three teenagers said to me, “Mom, you always told me I could do whatever I worked hard to achieve. You helped me to believe in myself, that I could do it! Thank You!”  It was an unexpected compliment.  As a parent, are you providing those positives to provide your child with an ‘I can do it’ attitude?  When hiring a person to babysit our children, it was always important for them to know we NEVER wanted our children to be told they were bad.  We believed it was important to let our children know when they needed to change their behavior, and to correct the behavior.  We did not want our children to be programmed to believe they were ‘bad’, because:  

Self-Esteem…#1 factor in determining success

You perform exactly as you see yourself

Change the self-esteem…change the performance!


At Ala Carte Learning Solutions we often find those children who are underperforming in school, tend to have a low self-esteem regarding their school performance, and perhaps in other areas of their lives.  As we work to strengthen their academic skills, time and time again we hear about the other positive changes that are occurring in their lives, as their math, reading and spelling performance improves.  When our daughter was in high school she struggled with Algebra.  As we sought help for her to increase her algebra skills, she surprised us one evening during our dinner table conversation, saying “My teacher is calling on me in Algebra class now that I’m able to answer questions correctly.”  Too often even teachers don’t realize how their students who are struggling feel, and therefore don’t call on them, because they don’t want to embarrass them in class.  Accepting help to improve an area we are struggling in is an important life-long skill, and one as adults we often struggle with ourselves.  



As parents, we need to help our children/teenagers to recognize their strengths and how to seek help for those areas they may be struggling with in school, with friends and in all situations.  Our praise needs to be genuine, recognizing sometimes it is difficult to find areas to praise when things aren’t going so smoothly.  Remember, our kids all started out as cute little babies.  Maybe it’s time to reminisce about all the things they accomplished that we praised them for, then encourage them to take that second step.  It is important to continue that support, especially as they grow through their preteen and teen years. Let’s help our kids to just say yes to compliments, and model that reaction ourselves.  When someone compliments someone, a simple thank you allows for that ‘transaction to take place’.  Accepting someone’s compliment is of benefit for both the giver and the one being complimented.  Too often we brush it off, or make an excuse as to how it really happened.  Accept it, embrace it and let it dwell in the mind!  Compliments are needed by all of us.  It’s what holds us together in our relationships and yet connects us through a very simple act.  Practice the skill of giving and receiving compliments with your kids, a life-long skill that will help to build lasting self-esteem.  


So many things happen to us daily that continue to imprint our RAS. Through our awareness as parents, we can help our kids to claim the positives and to then assess and perhaps reject, that which might negatively impact who they are in life.  It’s a big responsibility for us as parents, but rewarding, to see they are able to flourish in the challenges of today’s society.  



Dr. Vicki L. Rueckert, CEO, Center Director

Ala Carte Learning Solutions, Inc.

1507 Riverside Ave, Suite 204

Fort Collins, CO  80524

970-425-4570

www.alcartelearning.com

vicki@alacartelearning.com