It’s important to note that we listen with more than our ears. This is evident in the memories we have of our mothers giving us “the look” from across the table. We also know this to be true when we come down to find dishes in the sink that our partner passive-aggressively left out on the counter. If words are used to communicate, they don't even have to be enunciated and much can be discerned even from a simple grunt.
While we may pick up on these varied forms of communication, we sometimes forget that children do to. I would even venture to say that children pick up on them better than us because they are way more observant. It is no surprise that children are fully aware of the dynamics in the household. When I meet with children one on one I hear (quite unfiltered) the idiosyncrasies of the family. It’s stated matter-of-factly as if to say, “Duh, isn’t it obvious?” It’s both comical and insightful.
So if children are listening what messages are they receiving? If we are late to pick them up every day from school, do they hear that they are not a priority? If we tell them to be strong for Mommy while Daddy travels, do they hear that being a kid is no longer acceptable? What if we forget to ask about their day before asking about their grades? Do children hear that their worth is dependent upon whether they maintain a B average?
When we slow down and think about what we communicate to our children we gain this wonderful opportunity to either make adjustments or clarify! If we discover that we’ve been sending the wrong message, don't panic, children are resilient. It may take some time to rewrite an old narrative but I’ve seen it done. And if your not sure what message your sending, ask. It’s truly as simple as saying, “How do you know that I love you?” or “How do you know when I’m upset?” Whatever the answer, you will undoubtedly walk away with vital information on what is working and what needs to be adjusted.
I recognize that asking these questions can be scary, because knowing the answer can be painful. That's why I do what I do. Therapy provides a safe environment to hear personal truths from loved ones that might be too much to deal with outside of session. It gives voice to both the injured and the accused to feel both hurt and sorry. More importantly it gives space to sort out communication errors, which only fosters growth in relationships.
So if you find time this week, check in with your kiddos and ask those questions. And if you need help I’m just a phone call away.
About the Author:
Kyle Douglas is a therapist at Boardwalk Therapy Center where he works on a sliding fee scale. His prior experience in the classroom as a preschool teacher has inspired and encouraged him to continue to work with children. If you would like to learn more about him or his practice feel free to check him out at kyledouglastherapy.com. You can also contact him directly at 970-658-0311 or at kyledouglastherapy@gmail.com.
