Discussing Tragedy
When tragedy happens in our world, it impacts us all. As much as we want to protect our youth from pain and suffering, they absorb more than we realize. In light of recent events, it’s important to create space to process and grieve in a meaningful way. As adults, we might have that ability with our family, friends, and coworkers, but often, we forget that our children need that space to process as well.
While discussions about recent tragedies are taking place in the context of our larger social, political, and even global systems, little has been offered in way of our smaller, nuclear families. Instead of just asking, “What kind of world do we want to leave for our kids?” we should also ask, “How do we prepare our kids to live in our world?” One approach is not better than the other. In fact, they are two sides of the same coin. Unfortunately, we often are not having the other half of the discussion.
The thought of creating a safe space to talk about painful topics with our children is often daunting. It is important to provide our children with a safe space to process events in their own way, in their own time, and with the freedom to ask as many questions that they need. Below are some points of insight to offer encouragement and direction in talking with children about tragedy.
As parents and caregivers you are the most qualified to talk to your children about what is happening. You know their hearts and their sensitivities. Your connection with your kiddo is unique and is not repeated in interactions at school and with friends, which are two places that are definitely talking to your child about the world. For example, as a result of the Sandy Hook shooting now even preschools have active-shooter drills. When I taught preschool in my years before counseling, my class of three year olds practiced this very drill several times a year. The little ones whose parents refused to talk with them about what was happening had traumatic reactions that would linger for weeks. Questions like “What kind of safety drills (active-shooter, fire, etc.) do you do at school?” or “How do you feel about them?” often help to open conversations and give children space to explore events impacting our communities.
Listen
Younger children will often respond with concerns about personal safety or the safety of loved ones while older children may express concern for those who are afflicted. Help them express their thoughts and feelings by talking with them, drawing pictures, playing with toys, or writing poems directly or indirectly related to current events.
Be prepared to stop and continue conversations. Talking about worldly events is difficult for adults much less children. Notice when they have reached their capacity to discuss events and allow them space to continue at a later time. Many children will come back on their own accord to further comprehend earlier discussions.
Children often process the world around them through repetitive play. That means that they have to play it out, draw about it, or talk about it several times before their brain feels like they can move on to the next topic. Not only will children return to conversations as I mentioned above, but they may also come back to the topic repetitively until they feel like they have a grasp on it. Creating space for this repetition is key. As adults, it can be challenging to answer the same questions multiple times, but remember this is your child’s way of grappling with the information they just received.
Answer Questions
When a child asks questions it is an opportunity to teach tolerance and explain prejudice! Doing so creates empathy, and where there is empathy there is less fear.
Considering your child’s developmental age be honest in the information you provide. Use appropriate language and also convey a sense of sincerity and seriousness. I like to think of having a similar tone as when discussing what to do for a fire drill or if they happen to be lost.
Processing what is occurring in our world helps children not only mature emotionally, but also as a member of the community. They can act as an aide to those who are fearful or can stand up for their friend who is the target of bullying. It also brings them closer to you as their parent or caregiver as they see you as a person who honors their concerns and who is a safe person to hold their fears. Talking to children about the upheaval in the world may be scary, and, it is also necessary.
About the Author:
Kyle Douglas is a therapist at Boardwalk Therapy Center where he works on a sliding fee scale. His prior experience in the classroom as a preschool teacher has inspired and encouraged him to continue to work with children. If you want to learn more about him or his practice feel free to check him out on the Boardwalk Therapy Centers website, http://www.boardwalktherapycenter.com/2052/60112.html or contact him directly at kyledouglastherapy@gmail.com
